Remembering
26 May 2025
Today is Memorial Day in the United States (observed; the actual day is the 30th). It’s a day meant to honor those in our military who gave “the ultimate sacrifice,” and to honor their loved ones for their sacrifice and loss.
Would it be surprising, though, if anyone who’s suffered the loss of a loved one finds themselves reflecting, honoring, and remembering them today?
“Remembering” is an original post by Ellen M. Gregg, published on 26 May 2025 on ellenmgregg.com. #grief #loss #remembering #remembrance
A sudden loss
Just over a week ago, the father-in-law-to-be of one of my nieces died suddenly, unexpectedly. This man, younger than me, was vibrant, relishing in his family, being involved in his community, and then he was gone.
There was no warning, and so there was no time to prepare. There was no opportunity to say one last “I love you” or any semblance of a goodbye. His family, friends, coworkers, and greater community had the rug pulled out from under them.
This is, I can imagine, similar to what the loved ones of fallen troops face when they learn their soldiers have been killed in the line of duty.
Dot all the Is, cross all the Ts…
Speaking from recent experience, the days between someone dying and their funeral, memorial, or celebration of life are filled to the brim. There are people to inform, legalities to tend, decisions to make, and plans to make and execute.
The flurry of Is to dot and Ts to cross is shocking on the one hand, and a strange sort of blessing on the other. In a way, they provide a buffer or a bridge to help get through those first days.
…and then…
Once all of those tasks are completed and the service or celebration is in the rearview mirror, the new reality sets in. This is when the bereaved begin to sense what life is like without their loved one. It’s another level of adjustment, and it could last months or even years.
This is what I’d call the real work of grief. It may come with a whole lot of doubts and fears. It may also come with a whole lot of questions, including what might be the biggest and hardest of them:
Who am I without this person in my everyday life?
Remembering the yesterdays
I recently heard that in some Jewish traditions, “May your memories bless you” is used instead of “I’m sorry for your loss.” The beauty of that has stayed with me because
It feels more supportive of the survivors, and
It focuses on the survivors rather than dividing the focus between the person making the statement and the survivors.
As long as there are fond memories of a healthy relationship with the deceased, they will likely bless the survivors. In that instance, remembering will provide comfort and even laughter, although it will also sharpen the loss, at least for a while. (There’s no timeline for grief, so “a while” is unique to each survivor.)
Remembering today
On this Memorial Day (observed), I remember those who gave their lives for their country and the loved ones they left behind. I remember my father and stepfather, both veterans, who left holes in my life that can never be filled.
I also remember my niece’s father-in-law-to-be, his wife, his four sons, his mother, and the other family and community members who are missing him. May their memories bless them.
Who are you remembering today?
Please feel free to use the comment section below if you want to share.
Thanks for reading.
