Two weeks ago today I went for a second face-to-face interview (third interview in total) with a company I would have been glad to work for; a company with a mission of sustainability through green building. Two days ago I learned I didn't get the job.
I felt a vague disappointment as the owner delivered the news to me over the phone (I appreciate this gesture enormously and told him as much). A short while later, I dropped a few (really, just a few) tears of ... Frustration? Self-pity? Relief?? Frustration for the small measure of hope I'd allowed myself. Self-pity over, once again, not being chosen. Relief ... relief that I wasn't going to be relegated to an(other) office job when it's not what I'm supposed to be doing.
With tears dried up before they got a decent start, I slipped into a place of quasi-melancholy reflection for pretty much the rest of the day; I wasn't fully melancholy, but neither was I my relatively usual, quietly happy-peaceful self.
Part of the reflection included noting that I had successfully applied for four viable job options in the space of thirty minutes before that telephone call; a satisfying note-to-self. Part of the reflection included remembering an incredibly vivid dream in which I was driving a new car - my new car - and could smell that distinct new car smell; could feel the steering wheel in my hands; could see the warm color of the interior; knew the relief of having reliable transportation and of prosperity in the monetary sense. It was the type of dream I have when what I'm "dreaming" is something that is actually going to happen ... in time. Well, when?
Then, yesterday morning, I drew the perfect card to remind me it is not for me to know "when." It is not for me to see a timeline of my future and so be able to anticipate various events. It is for me to know what I need and what I want and to take steps toward those things. It is for me to set clear, detailed intentions of my desired result and not get hung up on the "how" of it all.
It is for me to have the desires; to envision the outcomes with all five senses; to daydream about them ... And to let them be; let them unfold and unfurl in all their glory when it is best for them to do so. In divine timing; not my timing, which is (yup, here it comes!) ego-driven.
So, I'm back in the proverbial saddle, enjoying the ride and being active in my journey because that's what I tend to do and that's what is best for me. I "let it be."