When I committed to a depth year, it's probably just as well I didn't imagine the "wheeling and dealing" I'd engage in. (That title phrase was provided by my spirit team, by the way.)

What "wheeling and dealing," you ask? Read on.

Reviewing

Here's a summary of where I'm at with the commitments I shared publicly:

Working with divination cards I already own.

I'm enjoying working with the Tarot and oracle decks I have. I'm especially enjoying the Smith-Waite Centennial Tarot and The Spirit Animal Oracle. (Light Seer's Tarot is yet to arrive, and may not be here until March.)

The coloration of the Centennial deck is a surprising delight. It's subtle; almost unassuming. There's something humbly powerful about it. The vibrancy of The Spirit Animal Oracle is in sharp contrast. That said, it's providing a beautiful complement to the Centennial deck in readings.

Reading books I already own.

This one's been easy... I haven't started reading anything as of yet. In a weird way, I feel like I'm avoiding reading. Why would that be, when I have some wonderful titles to explore? Mindset, for sure. Every title requires a certain bandwidth of me, and I haven't had that bandwidth available... yet.

Sticking with current software.

This one's been easy, too. That's probably because nothing's really caught my eyes or imagination, so far. I'll take it.

Sticking with and deepening creative pursuits.

Another easy one. Aside from making snowflakes for the picture window in the dining room, I haven't been very creative. Well, other than plenty of writing. My paints, Sculpey, sewing machine, and candle-making supplies are sitting idle. I see this as a bandwidth "thing", too.

Deepening spiritual practices.

Well... *sigh*... Once again: bandwidth.

Wheeling and Dealing

So, given all the avoidance due to bandwidth, you might think there wouldn't be opportunity for wheeling and dealing. Incorrect.

Divination Cards

Two peers are releasing their own decks this year. One's a Tarot deck, and one's an oracle deck. The oracle deck is already in preorder. Guess what? Even though they both look scrumptious, they aren't an option for me. I made that commitment.

That hasn't stopped me from having some wonder-if-I conversations with myself, seeking a possible work-around. See? Wheeling and dealing.

Will I cave? No, I won't. I also won't share what they are because I don't want them gifted to me. (Yes, that was part of my wheeling and dealing.)

Books

Between Hay House's sales on ebooks, Prime Reading's monthly opportunities, and upcoming releases, I've drooled a bit. And there's one recently-released business book that is taunting me. Taunting me, I tell you.

I've had to do some relatively serious coaching with myself about all those shiny books, including the freebies, being off the table.

"But it's freeeee, self. I can just keep it online until 2020, and then download it to my Kindle."

"Self, it doesn't work that way. It's still a new book. No new books. Read my lips: No. new. books."

See? Straight-up wheeling and dealing.

I'm making note of them as we cross paths. If they're still calling my name come 2020, we'll talk then.

Classes (the not shared)

I love-love-love taking classes. Looove taking classes. In fact, I have a couple pre-depth year classes I purchased, awaiting my attention. Meanwhile...

There's a class that just started registration. It's a deeply spiritual class that's only offered once a year. It's a class I've craved for two years, in spite of its price tag (about $400.00). Even if this category wasn't part of my depth year commitment, I would need to choose not to invest in it, at this time. (For the record, they offer scholarships.)

"But it's the *perfect* class, led by the *perfect* teacher, and Spring is the *perfect* time for it."

"What about our commitment?"

"We can make the money part work. Really!"

"Remember our commitment?"

"We'll have to wait a whole other year!"

"We made a commitment."

Gah. The sweet torture of stonewalling myself. (Channeling Anne Shirley a bit here.)

Thank goodness I know myself well enough to know how capable I am of wheeling and dealing. I know to meet my ego self at the pass, and head her off with compassion... and maybe a little impatience, too. (Work in progress.)

It takes work, people. Bandwidth.

About the Bandwidth

My mom isn't well. She had an unexpected hospital stay after preparation for a non-emergent blood transfusion revealed internal bleeding. The source of the bleeding is still unknown. Further testing is imminent.

I live with my mom. I'm her official caretaker, at this point, even though my stepdad's here, too. It includes making sure her medicine dispenser is filled properly. I also check in with her about personal stuff I never imagined needing to check in with her about. And I make sure she's eating properly, and drinking enough water.

And I endeavor to do that, and more, without making her feel old or incapable or somehow lesser than. Even though she's in her 80s, she's still remarkably capable. That said, there's been a noticeable decline.

I've learned there's a fine line between supporting and caretaking in the truest sense. I endeavor to hold the line at supporting, even though on tougher days it isn't perceived that way.

It's an honor, truly. A blessing. I wouldn't have it any other way.

My personal learning curve is to better manage the amount of bandwidth needed. I need to take care of me really well, so I can support Mom and my stepdad.

It's soul work, for sure.

And that's my first depth-year review, complete. Blessings be.