5 Reasons Why You Don’t Want to Go Vegan

I’ve been fully vegan for a little over five weeks, and I’ve discovered a thing – or five – about being vegan. I had heard rumors, of course; whispers of what would happen when I turned, when I embraced (darts nervous glance from side to side, voice at a stage whisper) the plant side.

Rumors are one thing

Rumor had it that I’d be eating so well, the only supplement I’d need is B12. What? You mean my assortment of 10 supplements to support my mediocre health would be all for naught? How can this be?

Rumor had it that any digestive issues I’d been experiencing would go. And go and go. What? You mean what comes in will then go out, forevermore? Surely you jest.

Rumor had it that I would feel energized, lighter, brighter. What? No sluggish mornings? No mid-afternoon slump? No early evening yawn-fest? No menopausal fog? Hey, now, that’s cheeky.

Rumor had it that I could be the volume eater I’d always dreamed of being. What? Eat my fill – including /gasp/ carbs like potatoes and rice and pasta – rather than tucking minuscule portions into my cavernous stomach and making up the difference with wine beer water? I’d call that suspect.

Rumor had it that if there was weight to be lost, I’d lose it. (Or, as Yoda might gossip, “Veggies and fruit and grains you eat, lose weight you will.”) What? Without feeling deprived? With volume eating? With chocolate? You’re pulling my leg.

Rumors are unfounded, unverifiable, and even unseemly. Agreed?

Reality is quite another

Reality is, those rumors weren’t rumors at all. They’re reality. Whatever you do, though, don’t take my word for it.

Vs. ethical vegan. I’m not there yet.

• Discount the 16 pounds I’ve lost over the past five weeks.
• Don’t concern yourself with my new-found get-up-and-go.
• Forget about the satisfying amount and array of food I’m consuming.
• Ignore that I reach (and, oftentimes, exceed) all the recommended daily allowances for key nutrients, every day, with little effort.
• Pretend I didn’t tell you that the likelihood of me contracting the flu is slim to none.

Overlook the reality behind the rumors, and overlook the overwhelming success I’m having as a vegan.

So, whatever you do, don’t even think about going vegan if:

1) You don’t want to eat as much as you want;

2) You don’t want to be – you know – regular;

3) You don’t want to be more energetic;

4) You don’t want to be ridiculously healthy;

5) You (really, really) don’t want to lose weight.

Don’t do it. Don’t find inspiration and assistance at Happy Herbivore and Engine 2 Diet. Don’t find crazy-good recipes at Fat-Free Vegan and Oh She Glows and Kid Tested, Firefighter Approved.

Just… don’t.

But if you do, be sure to let me know how it goes.

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